All About Rebound Relationships

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In order for you to understand rebound relationships, let me first tell you about an important research.  A Scientific research has shown that falling in love with a new person produces  some kind of chemicals in the brain. Those chemicals are very similar to those produced after taking a dose of drugs.

In other words, when you fall in love with someone, your brain starts to generate certain chemicals and after a while you get used to those chemicals as if they were drugs i.e. you become addicted to the amount of chemicals produced every day out of being in love with someone.

What really happens when you feel like you miss someone is that you miss your daily dose of those chemicals, so right after a break up, your subconscious mind realizes that the source of those chemicals has been gone and you have to find another alternative source which in our case a rebound relationship.

With that said, rebound relationships can be nothing more than an analgesic or pain killer that can be addicted and become hard to quit.

What is a Rebound Relationship?

A rebound relationship is a relationship that occurs within a short period after or before a break up.  The rebounder or the person who wants a rebound relationship is usually wants to fill the gap that his old lover left.

A rebound relationship is nothing more than a quick fix (as rebounders  think) to the break up problem and the pain created out of it.

As I said, rebound relationships do not only happens right after a break up. They may also happen just before the break-up when the rebounder becomes sure that the relationship is about to end and so there is a need for another source to provide the same amounts of chemicals produced when being in the first relationship.

In this case the main purpose of the rebound relationship is to prevent the person from experiencing the pain that occurs before or after break-ups.

Another very important fact is that a rebound relationship should not always be new. In other words, when your ex girlfriend asks you to stay friends with her, she is actually using you for a rebound.

And what most people do not know is that this is a case of a rebound relationship which happens right after a break up and the only difference about this case is that this rebound relationship does NOT require a new lover as the girl makes use of her ex to get over him or vice versa.

Signs of a rebound relationship

If you are the rebounder, it is common for you to feel or have one or more of the following signs:

  •  Eagerness for being in love too fast.
  • Loving love itself or being in love regardless of the lover!
  • You are moving too fast towards your lover as if you are hungry for love!
  • You often talk about your ex with your new partner!
  • While being in the rebound relationship, You still fantasize (many times) about your ex getting back to you!
  • You feel like the new relationship is boosting your self esteem!
  • You feel like the new relationship (the rebound relationship).
  • You feel like the new relationship gives you a good mood by dredging you of attention and care!
  • You are still looking for other potential partners although you are already in a new relationship!
  • You are still missing your ex!
  • You are still making comparisons between your ex and your new partner!

In a nutshell, you don’t feel like you’re serious about your partner and the whole relationship!

Just ask yourself this question:  if I was given the chance to get back to my ex and the old relationship, would I agree or I would continue with my new lover?

If your answer is yes, I would get back to my ex… then you are in a rebound relationship for sure.

If your answer is: I do not know or I’m not sure, then there is a HIGH possibility that you are in a rebound relationship and you have to decide which side you would take if you was given such a second chance.

However, If your answer is a CLEAR NO, then this is not a rebound relationship or it started as a rebound relationship and has been transformed into a real or even a committed relationship.

Do rebound relationships work?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no, but the normal case or the higher possibility is that they do not work because they are built on an emotional compensation basis which is not a constant base, however if this variable basis turned into a constant one i.e you started to really fall in love with new partner, then this rebound relationship is going to work.

As you have just read, a relationship may start as a rebound relationship and after a while it may be transformed into a real love relationship.

This is simply because your mindset and your criteria for selecting your potential partner are subjected to change right before and after a break up. You may feel like your older criteria were completely wrong and you should not follow the same criteria for choosing your next partner.

For example, a man who used to put a lot of weight to a woman’s looks when choosing his wife or girlfriend, will certainly doubt his criteria after the failure of his relationship with that blond woman (just for example) and he May or May NOT realize that his criteria were wrong and should be changed.

This change in criteria depends on many things but as you may have guessed, the more you are an un experienced lover, the higher the possibility that you may change your criteria.

The success of the rebound relationship depends on many factors like:

  •  Whether you are flexible to change your criteria or not.
  •  What are your new criteria?
  •  Whether you stick to the new criteria or just feel like need to modify them again.
  •  How is your new lover compatible to both your old and new criteria? And how is he/she able to understand you and your needs?

As you can see the success of a rebound relationship is possible but it depends on a complicated formula that determines whether your rebound relationship is going to work or it will be nothing more than a transient stage between two stable stages.

Rebound relationship advice

My advice for you is:  if you can wait for a little time right after the break and try to completely forget your ex girlfriend before you enter a new relationship, then this would make you even emotionally stronger and your chances to avoid a rebound relationship are even higher.

But what if you feel like wanting to start a new relationship right after the break up and cannot wait?

What if you are stubborn just like me and cannot be convinced before you try things out yourself?

Well.. in this case I’m not going to ask you to wait because you do not want to wait and I know you will not wait so if this is the case you have to do the following:

  1. Try to carefully choose your new partner
  2. Try not to tell him/ her that you love him/ her before you are sure that the relationship may succeed.
  3. Do your best regarding increasing your self esteem. This point is the most important one. It will make you stronger and more clear about the new relationship and even able to leave your ex and your new partner without feeling bad like before.

If you are already in a rebound relationship then just do the last point and if you have not tell each other that you love each other then postpone this step to later time when you become sure of your feelings towards the new lover.

if you are the rebounder then reevaluate the relationship and ask yourself if you were not dumped or going through a break up, would you have loved your new partner?

If yes, the continue! If no, then break up with your new lover before it becomes harder for them to understand your excuses!

But in case your partner is the rebounder, then ask yourself: Do you really love your new partner? if no! then break up with them and do not just stay because it would not be kind of you to leave them! Sooner is better! Trust me.

But if you find that you love the rebounder then put them in some tests to check how the rebounder feel about you. If he or she started to fall in love like you then continue, otherwise face them and check again but if you found that it is a one sided love (from your side), and the rebounder is just needing you to stand again on his/her legs then it should be the end of the rebound relationship.

Another important thing is: when you are the rebounder try to learn how to change your beliefs about love and break ups. This will simply make it easier for you to deal with a break up and when you manage to deal with a break up and get over the pain, then you will find that you have no need to use a rebound relationship.

Break Me Free Program was developed based on psychology and hypnosis and will help you get over the breakup fast and easily. It will help you break your attachment to your ex and feel confident and fine without your ex and so give you the power to move on. You can watch a free video here about how it works.

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About Ali

Ali is the one behind Relationshippa.com. He created this Relationship Advice Blog to share what he has learned through the past 7 years about psychology, women, and relationships to help you control your love life.

Find Ali on Facebook, Google+, and Twitter.

Comments

  1. shail says:

    thanks for the information

    • missyj98 says:

      Here’s a question for you. Maybe you can help me out. I was in a long term 5 year relationship, we lived together for 4 of the 5 years. We were engaged to be married. Then in Feb 2012, he started talking to this girl and left me and was with her. By March, he moved into her apartment complex, in the building across the stree..I was a basket case. I did all the dumb stuff, begged, pleaded, cried, and stalked. I did all this for about 3 weeks. Then just gave up when he moved to be over by her

      Then in April of 2102, I picked my sorry butt up and started living my life. I even started seeing a man platonicly. Next thing I know, May rolls around and my ex contacted me. I spoke to him, but continued on with the plans I had made with friends.. In July, we decided to get back together. Everything was going ok, I still had my trust issues. But I decided to just let all of what happened go. So we could move forward. He moved back in to my house in August. Everything seemed fine. Then he started acting weird, by the end of November he changed all his passwords and was keeping his phone in his pocket. I know RED FLAG. On december 5, 2012 I came home from work and he packed up and left. I guess he started talking to the rebound girl again. His car was at her apartment on the 6th. I did no contact right away. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I also deleted my facebook. Then one of my friends looked at her profile a couple of weeks later and her status had gone to in a relationship with my ex Anniversary date December 1, 2012. He also took her to his sisters for xmas eve. (me and his sis have always been friends) But she said they hardly spoke and only stayed about an hour. She hasn’t heard from him since.
      So my question is. Is this yet another Rebound, with a familiar girl. Or is she now the girlfriend and I am the rebound. I am having a hard time getting a handle on this one.

      • missyj98 says:

        Also, not sure if it is important, but I am not a young girl, I am 47 he is 37. The rebound girl is 32.

        • Ali says:

          In fact non of you is a rebound. what i think is that he just had some issues with her so he was in need for you so he came back to you but when things went right again with the other woman, he got back to her.
          A rebound relationship is a relationship that happens between two stable relationships, and your situation is way different from that.
          I am afraid to say what you do not want to hear but this guy never loved you, instead he was in need for you.. this is so common when a guy dates an older woman. That’s it.
          My advice is to stop thinking about what happened and why it happened and shift your focus on yourself instead of him or her. You deserve better than that.

          • missyj98 says:

            Ok, Not sure If I’m understanding this. You are saying because I was older, he couldn’t or didn’t love me. He barely knew her when they hooked up.
            The first time he left had all the “symptoms” of a rebound, getting in a relationship quickly, moving at lightning speed, and then being over at lighting speed, only to come back to me. This time, same thing. Lightning speed all the way around. I didn’t act like his mother. He asked me to marry him. we were actually engaged for several years. He got upset because I hadn’t “set a date”. Said it hurt his feelings like I didn’t want to actually marry him. And you know what, I didn’t know. Why because, he changed drastically. I later found out that he was a physically abused child. And he became verbally abusive. I know I deserve better, but like I said, it was basically just an I want to know question. And to let you know, At the risk of sounding vain, I am attractive. Very physically fit, take care of myself, and I have a personality to match. I have a 15 year old son, and all his friends thought I was in my mid 30′s. “SHE”S NOT 47, dude.” Is what I heard them say. LOL. Another thing I found out later is that his first wife was only 12 when they got together and he was 19. That basically made me sick to my stomach. I was on my PS3 last night and went to the web browser and found a bunch of searches for teen porn. What’s up with that. Again, that made me sick too. I have teenagers running around my house all the time, Boys and girls, He definately doesn’t need to be here.

            • Ali says:

              What i meant is he did not love you, he just was in need to you and this may be right and may be wrong which is not that important.
              Trying to analyze what he did is the biggest mistake you can make.. may be he did not love you.. may be he is a psycho.. may be he just needed you in a specific period in his life.. I do not care about him and his reasons to leave you and you should too. what i am sure about is if i love you, i will stay with you not the opposite… simple like this.
              All what you should care about is Melissa and how to make her happy, not her boyfriend and his lame excuses!!
              Again, my advice is to forget about him even if he came asking to get back with him again which is highly possible.

  2. wishmash says:

    Hi, I would like to know from you that I had a 1.5 years long distant relationship with a girl from other country and we were very happy until I found that she had to kiss a guy on his lips on his birthday as its their tradition she says, but yesterday after months she is telling may be she never felt strongly for me so she wanted to kiss that guy and he is her crush also, he is her classmate, but she wants to be friend with me….and she wants to meet me in future….and we both know our facebook passwords,she even wrote a valentine’s day card for him and she was crying thinking after school they wont be able to meet each other, although she told me this kind of feeling came only due to our problems, arguins and distance, so I would like to seek your suggestion on it, please enlighten me with your advices :) Thank you very much.

    • wishmash says:

      she also told me that she hugged with that guy for nearly 2 minutes yesterday before he went to some competition thing and they are very supportive of each other and she loves her very much , she was crying all the time while telling all these, she tells that she wont have had kissed that guy or hugged him like that if she would have loved me, so i guess its gone now totally isnt it ? she just wants to communicate with me like a friend and i told her that we should come to talk on skype only after 2 weeks….am i on the right track or i am on a track to hurt myself again ? please reply soon i am going nervous….

      • Ali says:

        Sorry to tell you this, but she is playing with you!
        In fact, she does not even respect you when she talks about the other guy and of course when she tells you that she kissed him or hugged!!
        I am sorry to be a little harsh, but she is doing so because she knows that she can do that and get away with it!
        And after this allll, she is still telling you that she loves you and thinking about you! but this is not the big surprise. The big surprise is that you BELIEVE THIS SH*T.
        Sorry again, but you have to wake up and force her to respect you otherwise leave her and be serious about being willing to walk away.
        Think about it.. if a woman cannot respect you, how do you think that she will love you?!!
        In one word, be a man, and you will get her running after you!

  3. paul smith says:

    hi I was wondering if you could help me, me and my girlfriend were together for over a year and we fell very much deeply in love. She even said to me that she thought she loved one of her ex’s but then admitted it was nothing like the love she felt for me. We were best friends, could speak about anything to each other, she later admitted that I made her act the true person she was and that she couldn’t act like our relationship with anyone else, she made us almost sound unique. However we broke up about a month ago and where I asked for reasons towards the break up, she wouldn’t reply to me, but one day I got that dreaded text ‘there’s someone else’ my heart shattered to many more pieces if that was even possible. I then asked how long they had been talking for and she admitted for over a week so she must of been talking to him whilst I was with her. The next day she came to collect some things and I acted like I didn’t care because I was sure this way would make her change her mind, the conversation was ending and she started crying and said you better go as I can’t do this anymore.. I got out and went inside and cryed my eyes out and this started to hit me as I was seeing this was actually real not just a bad nightmare. So three weeks have passed and I admit I did all the stupid things, begged, pleaded, said I was sorry for things that I didn’t even do, I kept telling her I loved her but nothing changed her mind, I even said I would change.. So yeah three weeks have passed and she is already in a new relationship with this guy and whenever I contact her she doesn’t reply it is always him replying for her, it is almost like she is controlled already, as stupid as it sound I want her back but I have no idea of how?

    • Ali says:

      Okay, so after you manage to get her back, then what? Can you guarantee that she will not do that again?!
      I cannot tell you for sure my psychological analysis for her personality as i know too little information. However, i am sure that you can expect how someone will behave in the future if you know something about their past.
      In other words, she left her ex for you and told you that you are better than him and she will do the same with the new guy and so on.
      May be, i am wrong. After all i am not sure about the real reason of the breakup, but you have to understand that begging will never help you get her back because she is self centered and cannot see anyone except for herself. On the other side, pretending that you do not care may make her respect you but will not make her change her mind either.

      The only way that could work with such a woman, is when you humiliate her or insult her and it may not work either but at least she will feel bad and so you get over the anger stage as you are right now in the first stage of grief after a breakup which is the shock and denial stage. The next stage is the anger stage and you will not get rid of your anger until you message her and insult her or to tell her that she is a sick person or whatever can make you feel a little bit comfortable, then comes the bargaining stage and depression until you accept that it is over.

      So, yes my advice is to get over her but after recovering your dignity.

      One final thing that you have to understand is that it is all about your self esteem and self confidence. In fact one of the most important reasons men try to get their ex girlfriends back in a situation like yours is the fact that a man thinks that as his girlfriend has chosen to leave him for another man, so this means that the new man is better than him and so this trigger his ego defense mechanism and so the only way that seems to make this man feel better is when his woman choose him again and leave the other guy which means that he is better than the new guy. In fact all this story is nonsense simply because a woman’s opinion about you does not necessarily mean that she is right as in many cases a man may be too good to be true for a woman and you may even above her expectations.
      I strongly recommend that you check those articles:
      http://www.relationshippa.com/stages-of-grief-after-a-break-up/
      http://www.relationshippa.com/how-to-forget-your-ex-girlfriend/
      And i am looking forward to hear from you if you still want to talk.

  4. Ashesh Sharma says:

    i was in a relationship for just three months but she was in rebound. she says she still has feelings for her ex but she also says she hates him and wants to forget him. when i ask her about me, she says she has some feelings for me. but she also says if we will be together now, both of us wouldnt be happy. she says she will only be in a relationship with me when she starts to love me. i said i could help her forget him but she says she doesnt want to use me. i love her very much. she is my first and true love. i have been brought up in a culture where we have only one love for our whole life, so i really dont want to let her go. nowadays she talks to me for just half an hour on the phone only just as friend whenever i start talking about love she threatens to hangup. she says you are very nice person but you choose the wrong girl. i love her very much and can do anything to get her back. please help me.

    • Ali says:

      Very common scenario. Do not worry you are not alone.
      She will be telling you something but actually do the complete opposite thing. she says that she does not want to use you but actually she does nothing rather than using you!!.. Yes, call me but do not talk about love. yes ask about me and take care of me but do not tell me that you are doing it cuz you love me!! And yes love me but do not tell me that you love me and i am not responsible if you get hurt!!

      The best thing to do is to try no contact after telling her that you have to move on cuz you cannot wait for her more than that but i know you will not do that simply because you do not want to do that, but accept it or reject it this is what is going to happen one day when you become more confident.

      So, my advice is to MAN UP and to stand up for your manhood and your dignity, and if this worked for you (which is highly possible) then fine and if not, then at least you will gain her respect.
      I have gone through the same scenario and i remember that googled “how to turn a friend into a girlfriend” and i managed to make her fall in love with me after reading about this for about three months and applying the advice i read but guess what?? as soon as she fell for me, i gained some self confidence which was the real issue and i lost my interest in her!! (which i think will happen to you as well even if you disagree with me)

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