love at first sight or love from first sight is one of the so generic and confusing topics ever. In the past, i used to get confused when thinking about love at first sight, but when i asked some of my friends (who were confused too), some of them told me that there is nothing like love at first sight “Ali, you cannot fall in love with someone while knowing nothing about them” and seemed logic until others told me the complete opposite thing.
They said that “Okay Ali, if there is nothing like love at first sight, how would you explain what happened with our friends (let’s call them Sam and Sarah) who fall in love at first sight and are married right now?!!”
I got even more confused, but thanks to evolutionary psychology and after many years, i discovered the fact and i am going to tell you about it just right now in this article.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
So you are walking in the street when your eyes suddenly see that gorgeous girl. You drop your jaw and feel like the whole world has stopped for a while in which you think that you have finally found your soul mate or the one.
This may happen to some people but not to all of them and whether this has happened to you or not, I am sure that you do believe in love at first sight to some extent. The question is: Why love at first sight happens to some people while it never happens to others? And why do some people deny its existence while others believe in it and even defend it all the time?!
The answer is very simple yet needs some kind of understanding the process of falling in love itself.
Falling in love at first sight and your subconscious mind check list.
People do not fall in love the same way or out of the same reasons. Yes they all want someone who completes them and can fill there unmet needs, but those needs are not the same right?
According to everyone’s own needs, he or she will unconsciously make a list of items that must be in his/her potential partner. This list has been formed through your life and heavily affected by your past experiences, background, social class, look, religious views and own beliefs.
This list is not written, but your unconscious mind knows it very clearly.
If the criteria or list items are so tightened, you will hardly find a potential partner.
If the list items can easily exist in one person, you will find many potential mates.
If the list items, are heavily based on things that can be realized at the first sight like beauty, looks, and social class, then you will fall in love with that person at first sight.
Let’s see some examples to understand this.
Example #1: Harry, the poor guy.
Harry was raised in a poor family. He always wanted to become rich and to live like rich men. Hence, his subconscious mind records this emotions (that Harry wants to live like rich men) and so the first item in Harry’s subconscious mind list for his potential woman would be something like “She must be rich” or “She must be raised in a rich family”. Now, if Harry saw a beautiful woman or even an average looking one driving a Ferrari and wearing very expensive clothes and then this woman went and talked to him about any topic while she is smiling, then chances are that Harry will madly fall in love with the rich lady even without knowing a single piece of information about her.
Of course, the process of falling in love is not that simple because the subconscious mind list includes many items and not that one or two, but suppose that our friend Harry’s check list is something like:
- She must be rich
- She must be beautiful (after all he is a man)
- She must be humble, modest and kind. (This will ensure that she will not reject him and accept him because she does not judge people by their social class or the car they are driving!!)
If the above list is Harry’s list, then I am sure that he will madly fall in love with that rich, beautiful, and humble lady.
Example #2: John, an average looking guy with a poor self-image.
John was an average looking guy. He always used to think of himself as an ugly guy. He always judged people basically on their looks.
Unfortunately, one day he tried to approach a very beautiful blonde woman and because he was glorifying her a lot, he appeared to be needy and things did not go well with him and finally she rejected him.
This was so bad experience for him, and of course for his subconscious mind as well, who recorded this experience and updated the potential partner list to start with an item like “She must be very very beautiful and she must be blonde”
Of course you can guess what will happen if John meets a very beautiful blonde woman who smiles at him and does not reject him. He will madly fall in love with her and hope that she loves him as well so that he can prove for himself that he is good and a beautiful blonde woman can accept him and so he can change the past experience that happened to him.
Example #3: Sarah, a very beautiful woman.
Sarah is a very beautiful woman. When she was young, her teacher was Scolding her all the time and telling her that she is so stupid. After many years, Sarah has grown up and become so smart and so beautiful and this in fact not a bad thing, but the problem is that people always complement her for her beauty and never say something about the beauty of her mind or how she is smart and so on.
As you may have guessed, Sarah just needs a man who always talks about how she is really smart (and it is the truth), appreciates her opinions and complement her on her ideas as much as he talks about her beauty.
If you want to make Sarah fall in love with you, then telling her all the time about how you like her eyes, face or whatever will NOT get you anywhere. On the other hand, say nothing about her beauty and just say “You are so smart. I always like how you solve a problem” and she will see you as a different guy and madly fall in love with you as she finds you attractive even if you are not handsome.
As you can see, in the above three examples there is someone with a need that he or she knows nothing about and they just need to meet the one who can satisfy this need for them. If you can satisfy this need or just show that you can, you will get them fall in love with you, but if you can show them from the first moment that you can fill that need, then they will fall for you but at the first sight. That’s it.
Another important fact is that “First Sight” does not necessarily mean looks, instead it is all about everything you can realize about the other person that complies with your subconscious mind check list so you may fall in love at first sight when:
- Your subconscious mind check list starts with “must be rich” and you see your partner driving a luxurious car.
- Your subconscious mind check list starts with “must be blonde and kind” and suddenly a blonde girl comes and asks you about anything while smiling.
- Your subconscious mind check list starts with “must be assertive” and you see him or her act so boldly and confidently while speaking in public.
And so on.
“First Sight” does not necessarily mean looks, instead it is all about everything you can realize about the other person that complies with your subconscious mind check list.
The word “sight” in love at first sight does not necessarily means “see”; instead it simply means “realize” or how would you think blind people fall in love?!!
So, for a blind man, a woman with a sweet voice may make him fall in love with her just for listening to her voice.
So love at first sight means love when you REALIZE in the first few moment that your partner has what you need to satisfy your needs.
It’s all about realization. while blind people cannot see, they do fall in love at first sight simply by hearing the sweet voice of the other person.
Does love at first sight really exist?! Is love at first sight real?
I receive many emails from guys with the mail subject “Does love at first sight really exist?!” or something like “Is love at first sight real?”, so I decided to answer this question here so that I can refer them to that article instead of writing and repeating the same thing every time.
So the short answer is yes, love at first sight does exist simply because it happens to us and to our friends every day, but are you sure that you know what you mean by “love”?
For most people, love is a too generic term to be described and it seems to have no specific definition as well as it cannot be controlled. This misconception and mystery about love itself is what made people so confused about a subject like love at first sight or love from one side and then you find them wondering if there is anything like love at first sight and if love at first sight really exists?!
So, you have to know exactly what you mean by “love” and be able to differentiate between romantic love, attraction and sexual desire. And while this needs another whole article to be explained, I will try to quickly shed the light on the difference between them so that you can determine if it is love at first sight or simply you are sexually attracted to that person.
Difference between romantic love, attraction, and sexual desire
As I already said, love at first sight really exists, but you have to make sure that it is love and not just you are sexually attracted to the other person.
Attraction is the first stage in a normal relationship stages. In my relationship stages article, I have said that any committed relationship should go through five stages and the first stage starts by huge attraction between both partners which builds the bond that helps the relationship last and continue.
Attraction is simply an early stage of love. It is not love but it is a “baby love” and this baby may grow to become “love” or it simply dies forever.
Sexual desire is a form of attraction or a special case of it. In attraction, you may be attracted to anything about your partner. You may be attracted to smart partners, courageous partners, assertive partners or whatever, but when you are attracted to partners who are physically sexy or attractive, then it a sexual desire and not a general attraction.
According to James Giles, Sexual desire is a need which creates a sense of incompleteness which calls out to be fulfilled by person of the other gender.
When you are sexually attracted to someone, you may make some big decisions like marrying them which is not bad, but the problem is when all what you like about your partner is that he/she is sexy, you will not continue to love them because they cannot maintain the same sexy level that meets your expectations as they grow and become older which sometimes results in cheating and infidelity affairs.
Contrary to common beliefs, a lot of psychologists say that romantic love is very similar to that love between someone and his parents. Yes, there are some differences, but they are very similar simply because both of them require the feelings of attachment, joy, and trust.
In romantic love, you care about your partner emotions and you want them to be happy. On the other hand, you want the same things back. Yes you do care about sex but you think about emotions and other things as well.
Romantic love is concerned about respect, trust, and acceptance of the other person plus being sexually attracted to him or her. So to make a long story short, and just for the sake of simplification, we can say that:
Romantic love = (respect, trust, acceptance, joy) + Attraction (only sexual or sexual and other things).
Now, and after you have known the difference between sexual desire, attraction, and romantic love, I can tell you that:
- Of course sexual attraction at first sight exists.
- Attraction may happen at the first sight but if you can notice the thing that attracts you at the first sight ( a luxurious car if you are attracted to rich people for example ).
- Romantic love DOES NOT exist at first sight. It may be born at first sight (when it is just attraction) but it needs other components like respect and trust to continue.
Romantic love at first sight DOES NOT exist at first sight. It may be born at first sight (in the form of attraction) but it needs other components like joy, respect and trust to continue and does not fade away.
Love at first sight vs. one sided love
I felt like this may confuse you so I just want to make things very clear here. When I talk about love at first sight, I simply mean love that occurs from both sides, but when you are just attracted at first sight to the other person while the other person is not attracted to you, so this is a case of one sided love but at first sight.
And this is whether the other person knows or does not know that you are attracted to them.
Of course, men are more subjected to fall in both love at first sight or one sided love simply because men are visual and they heavily depend on their eyes to evaluate a potential woman partner.
Dealing with love at first sight
As I have said, what happens at first sight is attraction which may be promoted to love or just continue as “just attraction” until it fades away and dies.
So what should you do when fall in love with someone at first sight??
Step 1: Optimize your subconscious mind list items.
In fact, this is normal and not wrong as itself, but the problem is about the basis of the attraction or that caused the attraction or in other words, your own subconscious mind list items.
Your unconscious mind list items themselves may be wrong or at least arranged in a wrong way. For example, when your list looks like this:
- She must be so sexy and beautiful.
- She must be stylish.
- Does not matter.
- Does not matter.
- Does not matter.
- Does not matter.
Then you have a big problem to solve. You have to add other important items and rearrange your list items.
Ask yourself about the reasons behind those criteria and instead of seeking a blonde woman trying to correct something that happened in the past, work on your self esteem.
This way, you will be sure that you subconscious mind list is based on solid items and not fake ones.
Step 2: Attract the other person.
After that, if you still fall in love at first sight you can try to attract the other person while being sure or semi sure that this attraction will not fade away and will continue to be a romantic love because of your solid subconscious mind check list items.
The conclusion about love at first sight
- Love at first sight is real and does exist but it depends on our subconscious mind check list itself and if its items are solid or subject to change and provided that other components like trust, joy and respect exist otherwise it will be nothing more than an attraction that dies by time.
- Love at first sight may happen to you or not according to your own unconscious mind list items and how you arrange them.
- “First Sight” does not necessarily mean looks, instead it is all about everything you can realize about the other person that complies with your subconscious mind check list.
- Also while blind people cannot see, they do fall in love at first sight simply by hearing the sweet voice of the other person.
- Men are more subjected to fall in love at first sight because of their subconscious mind list in which “good looks” comes very early and sometimes before any other list item.
- When dealing with love at first sight, try to optimize your subconscious mind list items first so that you become sure that when attraction happens at first sight, it will continue to grow and become a romantic love.
If you have fallen in love with a woman at first sight and hope that she loves you too, then you may want to check John Alexander’s famous guide The Alpha Male System, in which he reveals a lot of secrets about attraction and how a man can attract women to him like an alpha male very easily and confidently and keeping them attached to you as well. You may want to check what John says about his guide here.